the cup

The other day I fell.

I know; those are the types of things you don’t brag about or post on the internet. You get up, look around, make sure no one saw you, and move on with your life, cringing at the instant replay that is on a loop in your head.

With my illness, falling is a huge problem. One of the first things my doctors ask me when I see them between visits is, “Have you fallen since your last visit?”

I am 28, and I am already being fitted for a wheelchair.

I wear leg braces.

And the other day, my ankles locked up and I couldn’t move.

Myotonic Dystrophy (Or DM, as the cool kids call it) causes you to lose your muscles, so doctors want their patients with this disease to be as careful and prepared as possible as DM progresses, because falling is not only not fun, but it can also be super dangerous.

When I fell, I anticipated the pain taking until the next day to make itself known. With DM, a fall causes delayed pain because the muscle fibers suffer micro-tears, and they struggle to heal normally. What I wasn’t expecting was to be bedridden for a week, getting a massive PMDD flare-up, and, for reasons unknown, having severe hip pain.

It’s hard to describe the amount of pain I was in because all I could do was sob on the couch and ball up my hands to try to express the pain. My ankles and knees were locked up; I felt like I was going to throw up day in and day out; I was super sensitive to light, the room was spinning, and about ten other symptoms were all simultaneously happening at the same time. Long story short, don’t get a chronic illness; it’s not fun.

I remember being in so much pain I was just asking God to take it, to please take this suffering away because it was more than I could handle. I was physically crying out to God to end the pain, and asking why He was allowing this suffering to happen.

There was a day later on during that week when I felt good enough to hop on a virtual Bible Study for women with chronic illness. I didn’t have the strength or endurance to style my hair, apply makeup, or put on a cute outfit. I was in an oversized Megan Moroney shirt, pajama shorts, and my hair was in a ponytail….I know, a fashion statement.

That evening we talked about being obedient to God whilst in the midst of suffering. It was so comforting to learn this lesson and ask God for this grace, with 34 other women battling similar or more extreme things than I was, but having hearts so obedient towards the Lord that all they wanted was to trust that we were in this walk of life for a reason above our understanding.

Ya’ll these women were walking through things no one should have to walk through. They have endured treacherous battles that most people would cry at the thought of. Yet, their hearts were so in love with the Lord that they were saying, “Yes, Lord, okay, if this is what is being placed in front of me, I’m going to take it; I’m going to take up this cross.”

Do we want these crosses? Absolutely not.

But if the Lord puts this cross in front of us and says, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” (Luke 9:23), then isn’t that what we want? To follow the Lord even if we have to pass through the Red Sea?

After that Bible Study, I was still couch/bed bound, going through an unfathomable amount of pain and making the joke, I feel like I’m a part of an experiment to see how much pain a person can stand until they combust I lifted a prayer I have NEVER prayed before.

Joints locked, muscles firing off, stomach nauseous, and mental health strained, I closed my eyes. “Lord, if it is possible, please let this cup pass from me, but if not, let your will be done. Strengthen my obedience so that I can take up this pain, this suffering, this disease, and still obey you.” (Matthew 26:39)

I wish I could tell you that I wasn’t in pain after that, or that I was magically healed. I cried; I sobbed right after that prayer because the Lord didn’t take away the pain; He didn’t take away the suffering; He didn’t heal me of my sickness. But He gave me comfort; He gave me His love, and He gave me the knowledge to know that He understands so well what the pain feels like.

And if I must suffer, I am so blessed to suffer in the garden right beside Him.